My First Puppy
Word Count: 574
What could it even be? Why is it outside? My brother and I ran to see what it was, with my mom close behind. We go outside and right on our front steps, we see him. In a large crate as big as me, there he is. With paws way too big for his little body and shiny black fur and floppy but perky ears, a puppy is sitting in front of me! Santa brought us a puppy!
Waking up, it was still dark out. My clock read 6:02 am. I am not a morning person, but my heart raced today. Jumping out of bed, I ran into the living room. Our tree was surrounded by gifts wrapped in colorful green and red paper! There were even two new bikes for my brother and me! I looked on the coffee table, where the plate we left for Santa only had a bite left of the three cookies we set out for him the night before. I ran back to my brother’s room and opened the door. I woke up before he did!
“Teddy,” I whispered. No response. “Teddy!” I repeated just a little louder. He groaned. “Santa came!” His eyes lit up and he jolted out of bed. We ran down to the living room, me for the second time because again, I woke up before him.
“Wow,” my brother reacted to all the presents. He went to grab his stocking full of candy and smaller gifts. I thought we shouldn’t look through them until Mom and Dad are up, but he convinced me it was fine as long as we put them back.
By the time we finished marveling at our wonderland of a living room, it was already 7:16 - pretty late for a Christmas morning, so we had to go in and wake up Mom and Dad. They groaned and told us that it was early (wrong, it’s Christmas!) and that they’d come in the living room in a minute. My brother and I waited on the couch for what felt like hours. Finally, Mom and Dad came out. They were so surprised at all of the presents spread under the tree and really proud that neither of us got an ounce of coal. We started opening our presents and Dad lit a fire in the fireplace for us to basketball throw the ripped up wrapping paper and tissue paper into. About halfway through opening the gifts, Mom went into the kitchen and started making cinnamon buns and by the time they were finished baking in the oven, we had finished opening our presents. It was perfect timing. I helped my mom make hot chocolate and I loaded mine with mini marshmallows Dad stepped out of the room to call Grandma before we sat down to eat, I guess to see what time to come over for dinner.
After breakfast, my brother and I helped Mom and Dad clean up when all of a sudden, I heard a cry. I thought it was my brother, but when I turned around he was totally fine.
“Did you guys hear that?” Mom asked. “It sounded like a whimper…”
“Sounded like it was coming from outside,” Dad replied.
What would even be outside? I thought to myself. My dad went to go check out the front door. He yells back to us, “Guys come out here! It looks like there’s one more gift!”
What could it even be? Why is it outside? My brother and I ran to see what it was, with my mom close behind. We go outside and right on our front steps, we see him. In a large crate as big as me, there he is. With paws way too big for his little body and shiny black fur and floppy but perky ears, a puppy is sitting in front of me! Santa brought us a puppy!
Dear Victoria,
ReplyDeleteYou've done a good job of setting us up in a particular time and place (the holidays, in childhood), and you keep us moving in scene. Those are two things that are really hard to do, but you manage this well. Your images and style have a relationship to one another, as does the music, and so, on the whole, this is an uplifiting story that has its own style. The harder part is figuring out how you might build suspense or how you might make this even more specific for the reader. Your title gives away what will happen, and most of us have seen this moment before. How can you make it yours? How can you complicate it somehow? A few suggestions: use your sensory details, name objects and things, and give us a sense of characterization so that we reel as though the narrator is a very specific and interesting person. For example, you could name the brother, you could show us the living room to give us an understanding of the family's class/status, you could build tension between the parents, you could help us see that there is more at stake than a happy memory (is there a reason the parents feel they must buy a pet? If you don't have one from your own memory, what might be a reason you could invent to create suspense)? There's nothing wrong with telling a familiar and happy memory, but push yourself to give us a very vivid one, and to hint at what's going on beneath the surface of this family.